Why I Love Writing About Codependency

Today I wanted to talk about codependency, one of the core elements of my debut novel. While explaining it to a friend, I realized I could actually write a long post about it, because having experienced it firsthand, I feel a bit more aware of it.

Codependency refers to a situation that emerges in the dynamics of a relationship between two people, where one party is excessively emotionally, psychologically, or even physically dependent on the other. This kind of bond typically creates an imbalance, with one person constantly in the role of the giver and the other consistently in the role of the taker.

In codependent relationships, the giver places the other person's happiness, satisfaction, or needs far above their own. This can lead the person to disregard their own boundaries and even lose their sense of identity. A codependent character might give up their own dreams just to make their partner happy. It sounds sweet at first, but if we look closer, it’s easy to see how someone can lose themselves in the process.

The dynamic often turns into a loop. The “taker” (often unconsciously) accepts these sacrifices and gradually comes to see this pattern as normal. Meanwhile, the giver keeps going, hoping for appreciation… which doesn’t always come because now it’s not special, it’s a must for both of them. A perfect sanctuary to escape from reality. Many codependent patterns in real life, and in stories, come from old emotional wounds, like childhood neglect, low self-esteem, or fear of being abandoned. 

Codependency can make characters try to control each other’s feelings or actions. Out of care, anxiety, or fear. In a sense, they give each other that “right” because it feels like the only safe way for them. They believe they couldn’t survive in this world without the other, but of course, that’s not true. Two separate minds, two independent wills, cannot always be perfectly connected. The taker might feel trapped, while the giver experiences constant frustration, because their sacrifices aren’t always appreciated the way they hope.

Getting out of this cycle and learning to live without each other is really hard. I lived through this from when I was 17 almost until I turned 20. At first, it felt wonderful. Why would being loved so deeply ever feel suffocating? After a messy breakup, it took me a while to find myself again. Later, I learned about the concept of codependency, and everything started to make sense. It was both our fault… and at the same time, neither of our faults.

So yes. I wanted to explore this concept in my debut novel. Since it’s a second-chance romance, I get to show the characters healing a bit and loving each other in a healthier way this time. I hope readers who have lived through something similar can relate… and maybe feel a little bit healed themselves.

Stay cozy and take care!